吸血鬼：
各位同學打醒十二分精神吧! 今天我們要好好練習腦袋，看看作者的論點和推論過程到底是否合理。如果推論過程出錯，是會令文章說服力降低，從而失分。
吸血鬼：
以下是同學的作文。我們先逐段看看吧!
Paragraph One
Picture the scene: In front of you is an enormous room with desks and chairs. Children hailing from diverse countries are sitting together, chatting in English. They are not confined to their own seats, but free to run around, or ask teachers questions. This is a typical scene in classrooms in international schools. In recent years, international schools are becoming more well-liked owing to the less punishing learning schedules. Nonetheless, the statement ‘studying in international schools is better than local schools’ is unquestionably far from the truth.
短評：作者首先形容和「讚揚」國際學校有如天堂，再加上一句Nonetheless, the statement... is unquestionably far from the truth，是可以接受的寫法，因為這樣總能吸引讀者看下去，想要知道你的意見。不過，我們建議作者簡單提出三個思考角度，會比較通順 (e.g. in terms of A, B and C)。
Paragraph Two
To commence with, students graduated from international schools may be less competitive in default of strong foundation in Chinese. Almost in every international school is English emphasized, whether it be inside or outside the classrooms. While students are given chance to learn other foreign languages, including French and German, the studying of Chinese is deferred. For example, one of the international schools in Hong Kong does not start teaching Chinese until Year 4 (equivalent to Primary 3 in conventional schools). On top of that, simplified Chinese is used during the lessons instead of traditional Chinese. On the contrary, local schoolchildren are bound to use Chinese from kindergarten. There is also an inextricable connection between Chinese and their lives, as they communicate with classmates and teachers in Cantonese. Having ability to read, write and speak Chinese is imperative in Hong Kong, given the fact that it is one of the official languages. What’s more, due to the mounting cooperation with Mainland China, knowing Chinese is of prime importance especially when you are in work. It is justifiable that international school students will be disadvantaged in society due to their inadequacies in Chinese.
短評：前半段作者先提到國際學校多數教簡體中文，但後半段提到香港和中國的來往愈來愈密，不就顯示出簡體中文的重要嗎? 那麼，國際學校的學生學簡體中文又不是好主意嗎?我們在此提醒學生要想清楚自己的論點，提防這類型的自相矛盾。
Paragraph Three
Going beyond the deficiency in Chinese, the ambient
environment in international schools fosters skewed values in students. Being
able to afford hundred thousands of annual tuition fees, the bulk of students,
if not all, in international schools come from affluent families. Purchasing
branded products seems to be the norm. Youngsters want to gain recognition from
friends desperately, by means of following them, be it right or wrong. What
they use and wear must be fashionable in order not to be isolated. Teenagers,
not least the impressionable ones, are therefore inclined to buy extravagant
products as their friends do. As such, they may be intrigued by the pursuit of luxuries
rather than knowledge, and become materialistic. Notwithstanding the presence
of rich students in local schools, they are constrained by strict school rules.
For instance, accessories are forbidden in conventional schools, yet the
reverse in majority of international schools. Thus, distorted values like
materialism are not easily embedded into students’ minds in local schools.
短評：這一段作者提出的指控比較嚴重：國際學校的學生大多來自富裕家庭，所以有能力負擔貴價物質，所以(極大多數? 所有?)學生也會因為朋輩壓力而「跟風」。接著，作者也承認有本地學校的學生也是來自富裕家庭，但因為學校的規條較嚴，所以學生不太受物質生主義影響。這裡出現了一些問題。
首先：從藍色句子中，我們見到物質主義是家境、朋輩影響所致，但從粉紅色句子中，我們見到校規有很大的約束能力 - 那麼：國際學校的學生之所以受物質主義影響，到底成因何在? 是家境、朋輩影響，還是校規約束力小? 抑或是三者皆是?
第二：校規的約束能力只限校內，時間也只維持八至十二小時。當學生離開學校後，來到商場，又如何呢? 物質主義真的可以長時間、超越空間的約束學生嗎?
第三：本地學生真的不受物質主義影響嗎? 富裕家庭的孩子真的都會極受物質主義影響嗎? 考官可能會不認同作者的推斷，所以這論點極危險，可以是最大的失分點。
Paragraph Four
Lastly, the learning efficiency in international schools is open to doubt. International schools are renowned for their relaxed and enjoyable learning processes, in which homework and tests are rare. A multitude of parents believe that this is an edge over traditional schools. Yet, minimal amount of assignments and assessments may not necessarily be conducive to learning. Homework and tests are essential to make students feel impelled to organize the cognizance learnt. It is imaginable that most students will be idle and refuse to revise in absence of them. Stories of parents buying extra exercises for international schoolchildren abound. Some even go to great lengths to let their children enroll in tutorial classes, just to complement lessons in schools. On the other hand, assessments are incorporated into learning schedules in conventional schools. Students are required to assimilate the things learnt systematically. Accordingly, it is no wonder that local students are more capable of manipulating knowledge.
短評：在這一段，藍色句子都是不錯的論點，但粉紅色的論點又是失分之處。雖然我不知道國際學校的學生是否大都參加補習班，但我肯定本地學校的學生大都有參加補習班。如是者：
1.
國際學校的教學方式鬆散、少功課 --> 學生學習效率低 --> 很多學生要補習和做額外練習。
所以： 「很多國際學校的學生要補習和做額外練習」印證了國際學校的教學方式不濟。
2.
本地學校的教學方式嚴謹、多功課 --> 學生學習效率高 --> (仍然) 很多學生要補習和做額外練習。
那麼：「很多本地學校的學生要補習和做額外練習」又印證了甚麼? (當然，根據作者的想法，這一句不一定印證了本地學校的教學方式不濟，但其論點不夠詳細，難免令人覺得作者思路不清。)
短評：不錯。夠簡潔。
吸血鬼：
簡單而言，作者的論點有不少漏洞，而且第二個point欠說服力，失分不少。上文已經介紹了文章的文筆和用詞，結論是普普通通。總言之，這篇作文很大機會只有level 3。
短評：這一段作者提出的指控比較嚴重：國際學校的學生大多來自富裕家庭，所以有能力負擔貴價物質，所以(極大多數? 所有?)學生也會因為朋輩壓力而「跟風」。接著，作者也承認有本地學校的學生也是來自富裕家庭，但因為學校的規條較嚴，所以學生不太受物質生主義影響。這裡出現了一些問題。
首先：從藍色句子中，我們見到物質主義是家境、朋輩影響所致，但從粉紅色句子中，我們見到校規有很大的約束能力 - 那麼：國際學校的學生之所以受物質主義影響，到底成因何在? 是家境、朋輩影響，還是校規約束力小? 抑或是三者皆是?
第二：校規的約束能力只限校內，時間也只維持八至十二小時。當學生離開學校後，來到商場，又如何呢? 物質主義真的可以長時間、超越空間的約束學生嗎?
第三：本地學生真的不受物質主義影響嗎? 富裕家庭的孩子真的都會極受物質主義影響嗎? 考官可能會不認同作者的推斷，所以這論點極危險，可以是最大的失分點。
Paragraph Four
Lastly, the learning efficiency in international schools is open to doubt. International schools are renowned for their relaxed and enjoyable learning processes, in which homework and tests are rare. A multitude of parents believe that this is an edge over traditional schools. Yet, minimal amount of assignments and assessments may not necessarily be conducive to learning. Homework and tests are essential to make students feel impelled to organize the cognizance learnt. It is imaginable that most students will be idle and refuse to revise in absence of them. Stories of parents buying extra exercises for international schoolchildren abound. Some even go to great lengths to let their children enroll in tutorial classes, just to complement lessons in schools. On the other hand, assessments are incorporated into learning schedules in conventional schools. Students are required to assimilate the things learnt systematically. Accordingly, it is no wonder that local students are more capable of manipulating knowledge.
短評：在這一段，藍色句子都是不錯的論點，但粉紅色的論點又是失分之處。雖然我不知道國際學校的學生是否大都參加補習班，但我肯定本地學校的學生大都有參加補習班。如是者：
1.
國際學校的教學方式鬆散、少功課 --> 學生學習效率低 --> 很多學生要補習和做額外練習。
所以： 「很多國際學校的學生要補習和做額外練習」印證了國際學校的教學方式不濟。
2.
本地學校的教學方式嚴謹、多功課 --> 學生學習效率高 --> (仍然) 很多學生要補習和做額外練習。
那麼：「很多本地學校的學生要補習和做額外練習」又印證了甚麼? (當然，根據作者的想法，這一句不一定印證了本地學校的教學方式不濟，但其論點不夠詳細，難免令人覺得作者思路不清。)
Paragraph Five
All in all, the benefits of studying in international
schools outweigh those in international schools, both intellectually and
morally. Intellectually, the frequent use of Chinese in local schools assures
students of higher proficiency. Besides, effective learning is ensured with the
aid of regular assignments. Morally, materialism is less liable to happen among
students in conventional schools on the account of the environments in schools.短評：不錯。夠簡潔。
吸血鬼：
簡單而言，作者的論點有不少漏洞，而且第二個point欠說服力，失分不少。上文已經介紹了文章的文筆和用詞，結論是普普通通。總言之，這篇作文很大機會只有level 3。
1 則留言:
When comparing content and language, which one is more important? Also, should we use simple English without grammatical mistake or various sentence structure? Thank you!
張貼留言